MARRIAGE
A few years ago this couple came to see us - their marriage was on the rocks.
Although we had run some marriage courses at our church, we had never been trained as marriage counsellors but they were sitting at our kitchen table looking desperate and we felt we had to respond.
So without thinking too hard about it, I just asked them if they would take part in a simple exercise. I drew 3 circles on a piece of paper, one big and two small ones and handed it to the husband. Then I drew the same 3 circles on another bit of paper and handed it to the wife. I asked them to write down in the middle of the big circle the thing that most hurt them about their partner, the thing that most stood in the way of them getting along well together and believing in the marriage.
Then I said, “Okay if there is one thing your partner could do that would change your perspective on the marriage, what is that one thing?”. They were asked to scribble that in the left-hand small circle then I asked them if there was one thing their partner could stop doing that would make a really big difference, what would that be? I asked them to scribble that in the remaining right-hand circle.
Then I asked them in turn to describe out loud, in much more detail what was written in each of the circles.
At this point, things got trickier because as soon as one partner began to talk about what was in their circle and unpack it a bit, the other one would burst out in defence and claim that that was utterly unreasonable or untrue. So then a bit like a referee in a boxing ring, I had to separate them and ask the partner whose turn it was to listen, to stay completely quiet and not interrupt.
Once each person had unpacked, I explained back very carefully my understanding of what they had described, to check that I understood, down to the finest detail. If I had misunderstood anything, I asked them to clarify it, then I would check my understanding once again until that partner nodded their head and said “You have described exactly what I mean.” ie. exactly what I would like my partner to do or not do that will make a difference to the marriage.
Then I turned to the other partner and asked them a question:
“Can I ask you a question?” I even wanted permission for that. “When they said ‘yes’” I said, “Would you consider for one month doing or not doing the thing that your partner has just outlined?
You could see the partner draw breath, squirm, contort, and feel under intense pressure. So I would re-iterate, “… if that thing could make the difference between your marriage going forward or collapsing would you consider it if it was only for one month and then we could review?” Further squirming would take place, it was amazing to see what it was costing internally to agree to the terms laid down by the other partner and within my suggested framework.
To any experienced peace negotiator, this is probably very old hat as an approach but it was totally new to me. What was remarkable, and I shall never forget, was how simple the things were that each partner eventually defined as a thing(s) that would make all the difference.
For example, one of them said “When I walk in from work I would love a hug – a hug that feels like a proper hug and words like ‘how was your day darling?’”.
The other said “If you got up out of your armchair when I was going up to bed and just gave me 5 minutes help in tidying up the house - that would make such a huge difference to me.”
I don’t know the answer to this, but I did wonder whether the gap between a marriage that works and one that doesn’t is not necessarily so huge. There is real work to do to really clarify what the actual pain points are and what simple action needs to be taken to relieve that pain.
I would dearly love to write a book that helps married couples who believe there is no hope to find some tools that they can use maybe with the help of a friend to journey forward through what seems like impossible terrain. If anybody reading this thinks they may be able to help me achieve that, I would be interested in at least trying, so please get in touch.
